Sorting My Emotions After A Loss

How can one start again after a loss? My husband and I waited two and a half years to start trying again for a child.  We thought we had good news.

We knew that trying to conceive was going to take time and we knew there was disappointment in our future, but no one was expecting the roller coaster ride that we’ve been on.

It started Monday (July 25), when I went to my doctor to confirm my pregnancy. What was a happy event ended up being a negative experience because my doctor was the doctor from hell.

For example, I told him that I was still breast-feeding my daughter, and he responded:

” What the hell for? It didn’t work anyway. You still got pregnant anyway.”

He laughed as if the remark was funny. That was where we left things, I decided to move on to a new doctor.

Two days later (Wednesday) I started cramping. That afternoon I was spotting.

Google was my unofficial doctor. In most cases, it would be foolish to look up your condition online instead of going to a doctor, but I was in-between doctors and I knew this was just the beginning of my ordeal.

Since the spotting continued, I saw another doctor on Saturday. He checks everything and he says it looks normal. To my surprise I saw a heartbeat and it was strong.

I left that office with renewed hope and in denial.  Maybe, just maybe this was viable, after all plenty of women spot during pregnancy.

All hope was removed in the afternoon. When my daughter woke up from her nap, my pain was  much worse and the spotting turned to bleeding.

How could something that looked good be failing? I didn’t have much to say to my family because I didn’t know what I could say. According to my unofficial doctor, all the symptoms I was having was symptoms of a miscarriage.

Lower back pain, cramps, bleeding, fever.

I didn’t know when it was going to happen, but I knew it was just a matter of time.

I cried so much during the weekend; I mourned the life that I will never get to know. The sister or brother that my daughter will never meet. The child that we conceived in love, was now being rejected.

Monday morning (August 1st) I woke up with the sharpest pain that I have felt all weekend.

Trying to sit down hurt. Standing hurt. Moving hurt. I couldn’t take it anymore. The wait was killing me. If it was going to happen, it should have just happened. I prayed for it to be over soon.

I called my mother to come by, I need to go to the doctor again, to which she agreed.

Two hours after making the phone call, I received an answer to my prayers: I miscarried. My daughter was watching Sesame Street in the living room and I was crying silently in the bathroom.

The physical pain stopped. No more cramps, no more uncertainty and no more denial.

That afternoon I went to another doctor for confirmation. She told me what I already knew, I had a complete miscarriage.

I said thank you to her and proceeded to get dressed. I have no more tears left, and if I did, I couldn’t cry anymore.

This loss was not just my loss. My husband lost a possible son or daughter. My mother lost a potential grandchild. My sister and brother lost a niece or nephew. This was a family loss, and we all mourned.

I’m now trying to go back to normal, trying to move on, but it’s hard.

When my hormones go back to normal, we’ll try again. Not to try to forget or to replace one pregnancy with another, but to do what we both agreed on: expand our family.

In time I know I will recover from the loss. The pregnancy was only 6 weeks along, but it was 6 weeks with me living with the possibility and the joy.


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Lifting My Face to the SunKalleyCJessicaHome-Made Therapythe homemaker Recent comment authors
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I’m so sorry to hear this news. I know the loss you feel is real. I mourn with you. God bless you in your time of grief.


[…] to accept the things I cannot change; […]

the homemaker

I found your blog through someone elses but I just wanted to say good luck! I’ve had several miscarriages and the loss is hard and it’s just as bad as if you burried a child you already held and take your time to grieve but don’t feel bad about trying again.
You would not believe the balm that concieving again can be to you.
I’m really sorry
many prayers and best wishes
the homemaker


[…] was nothing anyone could do, and it didn’t matter if I saw my ex-doctor or not.  The events were going to play out one way or another.  In a way, I guess I’m lucky that it happened […]


Your story sounds so similar to mine. I wanted to be in denial when I first saw the blood but when my doctor expressed her concern when performing an internal exam, that’s when I knew that things were serious.

Miscarriages are incredibly tough and they hurt so many involved. Thank you for sharing your story. You are helping so many others in your willingness to be brave.


[…] August, I experienced a loss that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Since then, I’ve had a range of emotions. If I don’t keep my mind busy, sometimes I dwell on […]