Wading Through Doubt

In the past year, one phrase has been on my lips, “Lord, Give me strength.”  The problems has been adding up.  Fear, doubt, worry, anxieties all have been something that has plagued my mind.  When I think I’m free of that, then comes a restlessness of my soul that I never anticipated before.

From the outside, my lot is not that bad at all.  I am able to homeschool, which has it’s own challenges, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I am able to stay home with my children.  As well as show success to my family other than it being monetary.


No. The problem lies within the mind.  While I’m not in a bad situation, rather loving one, my enemy at the moment has been my mind.  Doubt has crept in my mind which has affected my ability to write my words on paper.  Express myself completely and honestly.  Doubt had me questioning my decisions that I have made in the past that led me to my current role.  Doubt, overall has been the shovel that has unsettled my mind.

Because of this overwhelming doubt, I have been filled with anxiety.  Questions regarding decisions that I am making in life, even when not conventional, has me spiraling into that dark sea of the abyss whose main goal is to swallow me up whole.

Giving Up Freedom & Being Obedient

After all of this, I realize that I have to give up the one thing that I am holding onto with an iron fist–the idea of being in control.  Afraid that once when I take that plunge I’ll be a leaf in the wind, blown around in a breeze.  But that is what I am already.

I am already a leaf that is being blown about by my emotions that I notice is one positive one moment and full of anxiety the other.  That is not a way to live; that is not a way to go about our day.

Lately, I have decided that I have to just be obedient.  Listen to what it is I’m supposed to do, and put off to the side what I am not.  In the stillness of my mind I have noticed is that the fear and anxiety is not because I want to be in control it’s because of my lack of obedience.

Working against God’s Will

So, that brings me to this point.  The past year I have been trying to function against what I’m told I need to do.  The fight alone has caused problems, but most of all, it has caused me to become battle weary.

When we fight against what we’re supposed to do, much fear, and anxiety arrises.  Our voices are stifled.  We feel as if we are a victim and some outside force is causing these problems.  Not so.  We are causing our own misery.  We are doing what we’re not supposed to do, and wondering why we’re not happy with these decisions.  So we may feel going deeper in the rabbit hole is going to make things better–that we’ll feel better, but in the long run we just make ourselves worse.

Submitting & Taking the Leap of Faith

When we work with the will of God, we then become free.  The anxiety becomes a distant memory, and the dark clouds of fear leaves like an overcast day.  This is freedom, and this is happiness.

The first moment you realize this, and you take that leap, everything starts to make sense.

Some may need to make that leap when it comes down to their spiritual life, others professional.  Wherever you fall in life, understand, that if you always try to do what you want, and not what God wants, you’ll never find happiness.

Not everyone was meant to be well known and famous–some of us are meant to be obscure and unimportant past our lives.  Whatever we are mean to be, we know that we just have the moment now to be what we are supposed to be, even if its not what we want to be.