While walking with my daughter a complete stranger stopped me and started interesting conversation with me. Now, usually I don’t stop and have casual conversations with strangers, nor do I take advice that I didn’t ask for. But this conversation seemed different. So, I humored myself (and him) for the moment, and talked with him. At the end of the conversation, he recommended that I read: Unconditional Parenting for a good reading guide.
Its funny because he didn’t say anything about the way I was parenting my daughter, besides all we were doing that day was walking and having a conversation (she was 3 at the time). Pointing to the buildings, and looking at the colors. Maybe that day I was open for a learning experience.
For the past couple of years, I have struggled with the idea of what kind of parent that I want to be, and what kind of parent that I am. I admit that there are [many] times where there are power struggles between my daughter and me, but I do try to do my best to get down on her level and explain myself. Never overbearing, but firm when letting her know that there is a line that we both do not cross.
When that didn’t work, there times that I have engaged in time-out it but didn’t feel right. So in turn, I’ve been trying my best to find a balance.
After getting through 4 chapters [so far], I don’t think I can sing this book enough praises. It is not a book that tells you what you’re doing wrong, but it goes into detail about what kind of results conditional parenting produces.
If you’re not sure what conditional parenting is, it is love with strings attached. I’ll go into more details in a later post.
While I thought this book would open my mind about my parenting style, it made me think about my childhood. I started to think about how my parents’ parenting style made me feel, as well as any punishments I received. I had to think about what I felt at the time that I was going through the motions of being raised. It has opened up a lot of questions into my personality.
I am usually very quiet and a reserved person. That is until you get to know me. 🙂 I was one really one to make too many waves. But how much of that is a result of my true personality or how much of that is due to the parenting style that my parents used?
It also made me focus on what my goals are for raising my daughter and what kind of feelings that I would like to generate when she thinks about her childhood. Will she only remember the punishments and how it made her feel? Would she think I did them out of love or just to exert my complete control over her?
This is something that I’m going to have to ponder on as I continue to read this book. But I will leave you with a quote:
“One reason that a heavy-handed, do-what-I-say approach tends to not work very well is that, in the final analysis, we really can’t control our kids–at least, not in the ways that matter. It’s very difficult to make a child eat this food rather than that one, or pee here rather than there, and it’s simply impossible to force a child to go to sleep. or stop crying, or listen , or respect us.”~~Alfie Kohn
I’ll be writing about more of this idea and others as I go through the book.
Originally published August 24, 2011. Minor edits completed on September 7, 2016
This post was added to the #WorthRevisit linkup hosted by Theology is a Verb, and Reconciled to You
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I found your blog via someone’s suggestion 🙂 and then I did some research on this book. It seems scary. Children don’t need discipline? Yes, they do. I’d like to recommend the following books that either I’m currently reading or have read and reviewed: “Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus” by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, “The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christ’s Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children” by Sally Clarkson and “How to have a H.E.A.R.T for your Kids” by Rachael Carman
That being said while these books are Christian they could also hold a lot of meaning and truth for the unBeliever as well. These have made me rethink my parenting in light of Scripture, including how to love unconditionally but still disciplining when my children do something through their sinful nature. Now I’m not talking about grounding them or spanking them when they don’t eat all their food or if my son misses his aim while using the restroom but for blatant disobedience such as hitting his sisters, not cleaning their rooms or back talking, etc. I don’t want my children having the same memories I have from my childhood but I want them to look back and think mom did her best, she gave us discipline but we also knew she always loved us and forgave us.
Hi, and thanks for coming to my blog.
About this book; I think that’s one of the misconceptions that some people have about it. It’s not saying that children don’t need discipline, which is far from the truth. Children do need discipline, but this book makes you question the forms of discipline that are available or what we have been told over the years to do. Also, aside from questioning it, it also makes you aware of the long term effects that discpline.
Growing up, I was spanked for things that I did wrong, but the lessons that I’ve learned from the spankings were different than what my parents wanted to teach. They wanted to tell me that hitting was wrong, but they did so by hitting. So the lesson that I walked away with is, if I’m hit, I’ll be hit. Moving away from that model, I want my daughter to understand WHY she shouldn’t be hitting. Understand the pain that it inflicts on the person, not just physically, but emotionally as well.
This book causes you to think about the lessons that you think you’re teaching, and the lessons that our children are actually learning. The sad truth is, they are complete different lessons.
As a christian mother, and my daughter’s teacher, I believe that the greatest lessons that she will ever learn is through my action–how I treat her, how I treat myself and others. In the spotlight or out. So this was a direction that I was heading before this book was recommended to me by a stranger passing by on the street.
I do discipline my daughter, but not physical, or emotional. I talk to her, explain to her what’s wrong. If it’s something that is dangerous, I explain to her why it’s dangerous and why she shouldn’t go there. It takes a minute to do, but she forms her own conclusion, let’s me know if it causes an ouchie and she stays away. It is a method that doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s been working for me.
Sounds like a great book, Kalley. I want to hear more. Please post an update later when you finish! I agree that parenting styles can greatly effect a child’s personality. It’s great to research new approaches to get a greater perspective. No one approach will work every time- every child is different and needs what works for them and their developing personality (so to speak).
Hi! I found your blog from the Young Mommy Life and we’re all talking about the same topic. I agree with you about the effects of spanking on your children as well as how it affected me as a child. In an effort to be a better me and a better mom (in my own opinion) is for me to eliminate spanking as well. I have been avoiding it for about a week now and I can say that it is definitely making a difference in my household! I would love to read that book and look forward to hearing your take on it!
Hi Melissa, thanks for dropping by. The funny thing is, I already made the decision not to spank my child when that book was recommended to me by a stranger on the street. Before reading it, I never really took into consideration what effects it could have on a child until I did some self reflecting. Not everyone will agree with the idea of not spanking as many see spanking= discipline. But there are so many ways to discpline a child without raising a hand to them.
I’m so glad that you already noticed a change in your family, and I would love to hear about your journey.